in heaven there will be… header image 1

…public nose picking

September 13th, 2008 · No Comments · in heaven...

I’ve always had a double standard for nose picking. Whenever I see people picking their noses I silently judge them. But whenever no one’s looking (or I think there’s a reasonable chance that no one is looking), I’m digging for gold.

The truth is, I love picking my nose. I don’t know what the big deal is. In heaven there will be no double standard. Public nose picking will be encouraged. Know why? Because those lovely, crusty boogers will be coated with hand sanitizer instead of snot. So in theory you’ll be cleaning your hands every time you’ve got your finger jammed up in that nostril.

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…no vanity plates

September 7th, 2008 · 1 Comment · in heaven...

Here’s the scenario. You just got a new base-model Mercedes and you have to get new plates. Time to head on down to the Title and Tag office. But first you’ve got to brainstorm a badass new license plate to proclaim how badass you are. So you come up with a little list, in case your top choices are taken. Stuff like:

  • BADA55

Once you’ve got your new plates (let’s say you land on FATCAT), you can drive around town and show everyone how much of a cheese-dick you are. Oh look, FATCAT is at Target. FATCAT is driving on I-85, all fast and badass in his base-model Benz.

In heaven, people won’t have the option of choosing a vanity plate. Personally, I don’t think anyone who would have chosen a vanity plate will be in heaven, but I’m sure a few will slip through. In fact, there will be no way to customize your license plate at all. That’s right, your personality will have to speak for itself. Whoa. I’m sure there will be cars in heaven, because it’s so fun to drive, but I really see no need for license plates at all. No one is going to steal your car. There won’t be any crashes. There won’t be any cops running your tags.

But more important, there will definitely not be any vanity plates. They’re called vanity plates for a reason, and it’s not because they attract women.

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…daily, satisfying poops

August 17th, 2008 · 3 Comments · in heaven...

There aren’t many people that enjoy a good poo more than I do. But no one wants more than one poop per day. In heaven, problem solved. You’ll be able to know ahead of time when you’ll be pooping and what to expect – from 9:00-9:17am, for instance, you’ll find me on the pot, surfing the web.

And here’s the great part. No more of that awkward “waiting to poop” stage. You’ll be feeling great. Then, at 9:00am, BAM. Poop time. You’ll know. And you’ll be ready.

The poops themselves, I’ve been told, will be long and thick (but not too thick to hurt). They’ll give a plopping sound when they hit the water, but water won’t splash back up and jar you out of your reverie. You’ll be able to pick whatever color you want for them. Tuesdays are lime green days for me.

With poops like this, there won’t be much cleanup. Say goodbye to one-ply toilet paper, Charmin Ultra and even wet wipes, and say hello to angel wings. Everyone knows that angels molt twice a year. Where do all of these angel wings go? The toilet paper factory. Friends, we will be using angel wings to wipe our asses.

My motto has always been, “If it’s good enough for an angel, it’s good enough for my rear end.”