in heaven there will be… header image 1

…daily, satisfying poops

August 17th, 2008 · 3 Comments · in heaven...

There aren’t many people that enjoy a good poo more than I do. But no one wants more than one poop per day. In heaven, problem solved. You’ll be able to know ahead of time when you’ll be pooping and what to expect – from 9:00-9:17am, for instance, you’ll find me on the pot, surfing the web.

And here’s the great part. No more of that awkward “waiting to poop” stage. You’ll be feeling great. Then, at 9:00am, BAM. Poop time. You’ll know. And you’ll be ready.

The poops themselves, I’ve been told, will be long and thick (but not too thick to hurt). They’ll give a plopping sound when they hit the water, but water won’t splash back up and jar you out of your reverie. You’ll be able to pick whatever color you want for them. Tuesdays are lime green days for me.

With poops like this, there won’t be much cleanup. Say goodbye to one-ply toilet paper, Charmin Ultra and even wet wipes, and say hello to angel wings. Everyone knows that angels molt twice a year. Where do all of these angel wings go? The toilet paper factory. Friends, we will be using angel wings to wipe our asses.

My motto has always been, “If it’s good enough for an angel, it’s good enough for my rear end.”

3 responses so far ↓

  • 1 jonathan // Aug 28, 2008 at 2:19 pm

    money. so, so money.

  • 2 bob loblaw // Aug 28, 2008 at 8:27 pm

    nothing beats a good dump in the morning!

  • 3 Nate // Sep 24, 2008 at 12:04 am

    This is hard to read… STANDARDS MAN! but speaking of standards, why no mention of the power slam?

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